The Day I Was Robbing From Myself

Resolution 5k Selfie

I’m wearing my 5k New Year’s race medal, and it was by far the worst race of yet. Not because of time – while I did not pr, it wasn’t the slowest 5k I’ve ever done. I just…crashed. Oh man, I crashed hard. I ran too fast in the beginning, not trusting what I can do, and I paid for it dearly. I wanted to quit that day. And I almost did. As Shalane said, I was “robbing from myself.” I almost walked, but somehow I managed to run to the finish line from the starting line. I was slow, yes. It wasn’t pretty, for sure.
I bought this Nike shirt the night before, and all I can think about was: just do it. A huge basic cliche, but it worked.

That time 25:33 will stick with me. Not because of the time itself. 25:33 was the moment I almost quit running altogether. I hated every minute, every second, every millisecond of that run. It didn’t help I had to tie my shoes when it came undone in the beginning of the race. I even ran backwards a bit to get out of the way to tie my shoes. Talk about being disoriented. 🙈🙉🙊 Yes, there were a hill right at the 3 mile mark, as well that I wasn’t mentally prepared for. Most importantly, I was a total douchebag to myself. (And it doesn’t help when you have an asthma attack). 🙄 Basically what could go wrong did.

It was a TERRIBLE run, but like Shalane said, sometimes the only thing you get out of the run is the fact that you finished. Hell, even if I finished like Pheobe in the show, Friends. My form was HORRIBLE.

I’m sharing this story once again for the people who feel defeated after a bad run. If it weren’t for the bad races, I wouldn’t relearn to enjoy running in itself. This race was a blessing in disguise. My resolution on that day wasn’t about any pr. It was about simply going back to basics of running – just enjoy the damn moment, you asthmatic penguin.

Growing Up With FASD

I was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. I was also born mostly deaf as one of the side effects. I went through many years of speech therapy and had many ear surgeries that went terribly wrong. I had to deal with many health problems while growing up. Despite of that, that wasn’t the hard part – being born with FASD, that is.

It’s growing up with FASD. It’s trying to make friends. It’s following orders. It’s the little tasks in everyday life. A simple phone call can put me upside down. Will the receiver be able to understand me when I talk? Will I understand them? Will I comprehend the tasks they want me to do?

It’s nerve-wracking when you can’t seem to function at the job interviews. It’s nerve-wracking when you’re told to do multiple tasks when the first one already leaves you anxious and confused. I’m always anxious. I’m anxious to do laundry in a public space, and I fall apart when the machines don’t work simply because my brain can’t function how to deal with the situation. What do you mean I have to call a number? What do I even say? They don’t even understand me!

“But you look normal to me.”

Not all disabilities is physical. When you can’t put into words what you’re feeling. It’s not laziness. It’s hard to explain to somebody who doesn’t have FASD when you’re the one who has it because it basically just leaves two very confused people even more confused than before. How am I supposed to explain this? I will try, is all.

I graduated Cosmetology with straight A’s. I was always on time and did all my work ahead of time. Yes, I graduated a month earlier than I’m supposed to. Did you know at least 90% of my classmates quit let alone don’t even graduate? Sure, people look at me weird when I’m always asking questions and still somehow managed to be confused ALL THE TIME. It doesn’t get easier.

I’m discipline. I wake up to run. I do what I can to start my goals if I managed to start them at all, even if I am not always on point. The thing is, I don’t know how to expand beyond that. I can’t begin to comprehend how to get to be B from A. I’m already confused with A in the first place, so it is a bit ignorant to tell somebody with FASD to get proof on the disability when other person is, duh, the one with the disability. It’s like telling somebody with ADHD to just “chill out.” It doesn’t solve anything.

The best way I can explain what it’s like growing up with FASD is that I feel abandoned every single day of my life. I can’t seem to catch up, and it is frustrating when somebody who is 10 steps ahead of you tells you to sprint, so to speak.

I mean, I have asthma, but that’s another story.

It wont get better. It wont get easier. I can’t stress that enough. I will never understand, and I certainly will never catch up but I can improve and learn more. I can adjust. I guess what I am trying to say is that the people around you may not seem to have disabilities that are seen in the naked eye, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have them. It is scary because that is when we don’t get the proper help we desperately need. I don’t want hand outs. I just want and need HELP.

Statics show that many people with FASD don’t live beyond 35 years old. Well, I will be 35 this Sunday. I guess you can say that is a celebration in itself.

Fire Hero 5k

22792314_541740799504440_2772251966349911713_o I attended my second 5k last weekend. This event was supposed to happen back in September if it weren’t for Hurricane Irma. Either way, I am fortunate to run for such a good cause. I just never thought I would be 2nd overall for my age group. To think this 34 asthma stricken woman with very low blood pressure without having any sort of sports background would even achieve that.22769769_541859999492520_1192546124197918169_o

To think when I was in high school, it took me over 16 minutes to run a mile. Now I can at least run 2 miles in 16 minutes. While I haven’t beaten my pr, I’m still happy with the results from the race. The perks of arriving early? I didn’t have to wait in line to get my food.

The moral of this story? Don’t let anybody define you. Ever.

Heartbroken Satellite

I had to repost this piece of writing.

Nothing can beat having somebody you admire give you a nod on something you’ve written. I shared, Heartbroken Satellite, on tumblr last year and to my surprise I saw this message:

Scherezade’s Note : An immigrant’s psalm. The pang of a lost land is rife in this poem’s molten grace. The opening lines are testament to the poet’s unmistakable prowess.

Honestly? It may sound silly but it was one of my happiest days. I haven’t written for so long, so it meant the world to me to read that. Living abroad can sometimes spark childhood hobbies and this was one of them. Continue reading “Heartbroken Satellite”

Great Gay 5k

21762088_529929050685615_3834485782133692574_n
I ran about 2 and a half miles under 19 minutes with easier pace and rode 9 miles on bike level 11 in 30 minutes before my first 5k ever. I took it easy because I mainly worked out just to loosen up my muscles.

I did better than I expected since I never ran on sand before. I was the 7th woman at the finish line. I could’ve run faster, but I was more concentrating on keeping my rhythm and finishing the race. Period. Since this was my first 5k ever and that I never ran on sand before, it is not bad for a 34-year-old asthma stricken woman.

I’m proud to run for gay rights. To think I wouldn’t be able to marry my better half pre 1960’s. Nobody deserves that kind of discrimination. Love is never wrong.21766507_530180100660510_4817495172267318428_n

My better half gave me a present for my 5k achievement. This is my very first Nike pair. Ever. Thank goodness for Ross prices. I cry. The look on my husband’s face when I finished the race – pure pride. He was very proud of me that day. He kept saying to me, “Don’t be intimidated. You’re going to do very well. I just know it.” When I finished the race, he said he knew I was pulling back. >_<
22041891_529924087352778_409361659268819686_o If it weren’t for this 5k, I wouldn’t have known how beautiful the beach is over there. I would love to go back someday.

I’m still alive.

yikes18I’m still alive. Barely. I moved back to South Florida from Atlanta last year. It has been a rather uncomfortable, unstable ride since I came back from the States. I don’t think I will ever feel like home here, but I tell myself that it is only temporary – just think of it as a vacation that is a completely huge let down. Either way, I have my very first 5k coming up that I am excited about. Yes, I am still running.

I’m still alive. I think. If you can call it living, honestly.

34 Reasons to Be Grateful For

Since I will be turning 34 in less than two weeks, I may as well share 34 reasons to be thankful for. While I am bummed that I wont be eating cake in Taiwan (Western cake tend to be way too sweet for me, anyway), I still have so many reasons to smile. Case in point?

1. My funky retro shoes picked out by my husband – he gets me.

2. I’m still making cute cards for loved ones. While they may be simple, I am still happy with how they turned out. Continue reading “34 Reasons to Be Grateful For”

Happy Chinese/Lunar New Year!

I created this card for my husband. While I’m saddened that I cannot celebrate Chinese New Year with his family in Taiwan, I’m fortunate to be able to have a home on the beautiful island and that is something to smile about. To those who celebrate the holiday, I wish you a fruitful, successful, happy life. Happy Lunar New Year! I still don’t know what my husband and I will be doing this weekend, but it will involve food. Till next time…

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