This woman in the picture no longer exists. Sure, she was chubby. Sure, she was an immigrant in a foreign country, but she was content. I’m sorry, but she’s dead. She is no longer with us. I didn’t want to admit this for the longest time. I thought that perhaps if I give it a year, I will get out of this rut somehow, but sadly it’s only getting worse…the feeling of emptiness; I merely just want to stay under the covers and never see daylight. I haven’t truly laughed since September of 2015…the month I went to the States. There are times when I see a speeding bus, without thought I slowly walk towards it. It’s not that I want to die. It’s not that I want to cause drama. I’m merely trying to end this headache I can’t seem to shake off since I arrived at the airport in San Francisco.
“Work hard and you will be awarded.” I rather not work for the life that is not for me, thanks…but no thanks. Trump will be sworn in this month, and I am also not looking forward to that. The positive side of living in Taiwan or China is that I can escape the bigotry, short-sighted opinions of other Americans. Truth be told that even before I left the United States, I was already disconnected to the country. I was already the black sheep I’m more than happy that people can’t quite comprehend or understand. I’m okay with that. I find it to be a rather good thing, but now that I’m back in the country that I refuse to call home – it is only tearing apart my soul. It’s devastating feeling, to say the least.
Yes, work hard…they say…but when I saw a handgun in my dad’s computer desk…without thought I want to just grab it and put the bullet right through my head. Again, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to cause strife. I’m merely just trying to end the ringing in my head. Despite all these irrational thoughts entering my mind, all these things wont happen. But truth be told, while my heart is beating…I’m already dead. This smiling woman is no longer with us. I will work hard when it’s worth it. Till then, dump me…trash me….belittle me….I will not budge. I will not work for your American dream. It’s not that I want a perfect country, but I simply don’t want the American dream. You can’t keep it for yourself. I lost my receipt long ago, and I have no interest in finding it. My soul is hibernating.
source: icelandmag.visir.is, by staff, 10 dec.