Today is a rather sad day. I’m not going to mention why, but some people who are reading this already know why. To think I came back to the States for this and due to this, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry – maybe both. Before I stepped on San Francisco’s soil, I was adventurous. I was eager to learn. I was happy. I felt like I was like everybody else. I commute like everybody else. I can relate like everybody else. I had the same mind-set, I had the same goals and we were all together – somehow I didn’t feel so alone. I was content. Sure, I was an outsider, but I honestly felt more of an insider over there than where I am now. Sure, I made a fool out of myself with my poor Mandarin Chinese tones, but I was slowly improving. Since I arrived at the airport in San Francisco, the ringing my ears begin and since then I’ve been having this unbearable migraine that simply wont go away.
Sure, I’m a Pisces. I will be 34 years old next month, but I’m merely a fish out of water. I tell myself not to be selfish for I came here for somebody else’s happiness. I just have to continue to hold my breath, and hope for the best. Even if I turn blue. (Seriously, though, did it have to be in South Florida?) I left for a reason and now here I am back to square one…it’s enough to make a woman go mad!
I tried to pump myself up before the move. I really did. I even lied to myself, but months has passed on by, I begin to lose interest. In general. In life. I’m no longer adventurous. I just want to stay home. I no longer want to eat out. I just want to eat mediocre sandwiches. I don’t want to think about the future let alone the present because honestly, I don’t feel like I have one.
After all, I’m almost-34-year-old fish out of water who is merely holding her breath in an environment that wasn’t meant for her. I feel more of an alien here than in Shanghai. It’s one thing to be out-of-place in another country, but when you’re an outsider in your own…its a whole another story. I keep telling myself it’s temporary. I will breathe again.
I will breathe again. Maybe the noise in my head will stop ringing, but it wont be today. Now excuse me…I am going to eat another mediocre sandwich on this rather sad day.