Heartbroken Satellite

I had to repost this piece of writing.

Nothing can beat having somebody you admire give you a nod on something you’ve written. I shared, Heartbroken Satellite, on tumblr last year and to my surprise I saw this message:

Scherezade’s Note : An immigrant’s psalm. The pang of a lost land is rife in this poem’s molten grace. The opening lines are testament to the poet’s unmistakable prowess.

Honestly? It may sound silly but it was one of my happiest days. I haven’t written for so long, so it meant the world to me to read that. Living abroad can sometimes spark childhood hobbies and this was one of them. Continue reading “Heartbroken Satellite”

Great Gay 5k

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I ran about 2 and a half miles under 19 minutes with easier pace and rode 9 miles on bike level 11 in 30 minutes before my first 5k ever. I took it easy because I mainly worked out just to loosen up my muscles.

I did better than I expected since I never ran on sand before. I was the 7th woman at the finish line. I could’ve run faster, but I was more concentrating on keeping my rhythm and finishing the race. Period. Since this was my first 5k ever and that I never ran on sand before, it is not bad for a 34-year-old asthma stricken woman.

I’m proud to run for gay rights. To think I wouldn’t be able to marry my better half pre 1960’s. Nobody deserves that kind of discrimination. Love is never wrong.21766507_530180100660510_4817495172267318428_n

My better half gave me a present for my 5k achievement. This is my very first Nike pair. Ever. Thank goodness for Ross prices. I cry. The look on my husband’s face when I finished the race – pure pride. He was very proud of me that day. He kept saying to me, “Don’t be intimidated. You’re going to do very well. I just know it.” When I finished the race, he said he knew I was pulling back. >_<
22041891_529924087352778_409361659268819686_o If it weren’t for this 5k, I wouldn’t have known how beautiful the beach is over there. I would love to go back someday.

I’m still alive.

yikes18I’m still alive. Barely. I moved back to South Florida from Atlanta last year. It has been a rather uncomfortable, unstable ride since I came back from the States. I don’t think I will ever feel like home here, but I tell myself that it is only temporary – just think of it as a vacation that is a completely huge let down. Either way, I have my very first 5k coming up that I am excited about. Yes, I am still running.

I’m still alive. I think. If you can call it living, honestly.

34 Reasons to Be Grateful For

Since I will be turning 34 in less than two weeks, I may as well share 34 reasons to be thankful for. While I am bummed that I wont be eating cake in Taiwan (Western cake tend to be way too sweet for me, anyway), I still have so many reasons to smile. Case in point?

1. My funky retro shoes picked out by my husband – he gets me.

2. I’m still making cute cards for loved ones. While they may be simple, I am still happy with how they turned out. Continue reading “34 Reasons to Be Grateful For”

Happy Chinese/Lunar New Year!

I created this card for my husband. While I’m saddened that I cannot celebrate Chinese New Year with his family in Taiwan, I’m fortunate to be able to have a home on the beautiful island and that is something to smile about. To those who celebrate the holiday, I wish you a fruitful, successful, happy life. Happy Lunar New Year! I still don’t know what my husband and I will be doing this weekend, but it will involve food. Till next time…

A to Z Love List

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A is for amazing tofu. Most of my meals are tofu related – stinky tofu, miso soup, mao po tofu (with beef instead of pork), dao hui (Taiwanese dessert – pictured), fried tofu, steamed tofu, boiled tofu, the list goes on. I like the texture and how it tastes delicious when it’s sweet, sour, spicy or salty. I can have tofu 3 to 5 times a week and not be sick of it due to the variety of ways how to cook it. Continue reading “A to Z Love List”

Fish Out of Water

sadsadToday is a rather sad day. I’m not going to mention why, but some people who are reading this already know why. To think I came back to the States for this and due to this, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry – maybe both. Before I stepped on San Francisco’s soil, I was adventurous. I was eager to learn. I was happy. I felt like I was like everybody else. I commute like everybody else. I can relate like everybody else. I had the same mind-set, I had the same goals and we were all together – somehow I didn’t feel so alone. I was  content. Sure, I was an outsider, but I honestly felt more of an insider over there than where I am now. Sure, I made a fool out of myself with my poor Mandarin Chinese tones, but I was slowly improving. Since I arrived at the airport in San Francisco, the ringing my ears begin and since then I’ve been having this unbearable migraine that simply wont go away.

Sure, I’m a Pisces. I will be 34 years old next month, but I’m merely a fish out of water. I tell myself not to be selfish for I came here for somebody else’s happiness. I just have to continue to hold my breath, and hope for the best. Even if I turn blue. (Seriously, though, did it have to be in South Florida?) I left for a reason and now here I am back to square one…it’s enough to make a woman go mad!

I tried to pump myself up before the move. I really did. I even lied to myself, but months has passed on by, I begin to lose interest. In general. In life. I’m no longer adventurous. I just want to stay home. I no longer want to eat out. I just want to eat mediocre sandwiches. I don’t want to think about the future let alone the present because honestly, I don’t feel like I have one.

After all, I’m almost-34-year-old fish out of water who is merely holding her breath in an environment that wasn’t meant for her. I feel more of an alien here than in Shanghai. It’s one thing to be out-of-place in another country, but when you’re an outsider in your own…its a whole another story. I keep telling myself it’s temporary. I will breathe again.

I will breathe again. Maybe the noise in my head will stop ringing, but it wont be today. Now excuse me…I am going to eat another mediocre sandwich on this rather sad day.

Throwback: 5 Posts From the Past

Camera 360Dealing With Anxiety Abroad

 Panic Attack 01: I’m crossing the road when a sense of dread comes over me. I feel my heart beating faster and faster. My knees weakening. People passing all around me. My ears ringing. I see the bus and for a split second I imagine myself stepping right in front of it. My thoughts are irrational. I know this. It’s not that I want to commit suicide. I do want to live. I become so overwhelmed where I will be seeing myself in the third person not realizing this is really me. I’m really here. I pinch myself. I take a deep breath. Sometimes it works while other times I rush back home. Sometimes, though, I don’t have that luxury to return home so I hold my breath till I return to my studio apartment and I simply throw up. The entire day I felt like a fish on land.
Panic Attack 02: I’m standing on the platform waiting for the train. I’m restless. I know either somebody is going to push me or I accidentally fall onto the tracks. I’m breathing heavily. I’m shaking something awful. Once I step in the train just as the doors open, I collapse onto the seat (if I can get a seat).
Panic Attack 03: I’m sitting in the cab heading towards the airport. Did I leave my Resident card (I have one for Taiwan)? Did I leave my passport? Will they even accept it? I either keep checking my pockets nonstop or look into my purse thinking the outcome might change. My phone? Where is my phone? I’m tired. I’m terribly tired. I will probably get on the wrong plane. Will I even find the gate? I’m not dizzy due to car sickness but rather my mind is spinning like a tornado in the scenes of the Wizard of Oz.

artAlone Doesn’t Have to Mean Lonely

Despite I’m introvert, it doesn’t mean I am anti-social. I may often find small talk irritable, it sometimes kind of nice to talk to a stranger every once in a while. For an example, a nice elderly man was held the elevator door for me to get inside. I quickly said thank you, pushing the button of the floor I’m going to. He looked over at me, “Do you speak Mandarin?” I replied, “A little bit.” “Ah,” he said while he was trying to get his dog into the bag. I looked down at his dog, “I think your dog is very cute.” His smile grew big, “Thank you!” He stepped out of the elevator smiling and so did I.
Besides, I realize strangers find it easier to approach you when you’re alone. I’ve had some of the most interesting talks when I’m solo.

10 Reasons Why I Like Shanghai

I left Shanghai in August of 2015, and my life haven’t been the same since. To basically sum up how I feel about being back in the States: “Leaving the States is like losing your seniority from this big company and you learn to adapt to other companies only to realize you like what you see, learn the tricks of the trade and due to this, you’re no longer the same. When you return to the big company, you can’t adapt and you wind up feeling more foreign than when you lived abroad.”

Camera 360My Shanghai State of Mind

Sure, being a foreigner is a muddy thing at times. I start to see a different perspective and adapt to different norms. While I may be changing, back at my birth country somehow remains the same –  it’s as if time stood still.  People back home somehow don’t ever really get it and still ask me when I plan on moving back from a supposed extremely over-extended vacation. I thought I would only be here a short period of time and before I know it, two years has already passed. It’s as if somebody put a cloth over my head and I witness this really neat trick I cannot explain. I realize that while I will always be a foreigner here, it becomes home away from home – if not more home than home.

img_20130408_103454Guest Post: What Is It Like Being A Taiwanese in China?

When I visited China for the very first time, the very first uncomfortable situation I encountered was at the airport. When I was going through the airport immigration, there were 2 lines for me to choose, one for foreign nationals, the other for Chinese nationals. For a person who was born and raised in Taiwan and lived in the United States for almost 20 years, my first instinct was going towards the line for the foreign nationals, but shockingly, the police was yelling “Visitors from Hong Kong, Macau, and Taiwan should go to the line for Chinese nationals.” I was like, what?! I am a Chinese now even though I had never set a foot on Chinese soil before?!

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